3 Tips to Improve Your Relationship Communication Skills

Hello Beautiful,

Love and intimacy – our ability to connect with ourselves and others, is at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing.

– Dean Ornish, MD

Are Your Relationships Hurting Your Health?

As I was leaving my Saturday yoga class, a young woman approached me and said, “I don’t know if you remember me, but my husband and I saw you for couples counseling about seven years ago, and I’m embarrassed because I know we were so angry with each other that we were difficult to work with. But, you helped us stay together, and now we have three young daughters and we’re very happy.”

Of course, I was thrilled to hear that they had stayed together and were doing so well, and it made me think I wanted to write a blog this week to share some of the healthy relationship tools I use myself and share with others.

If I were asked what are the top three skills needed to create and maintain a healthy loving relationship, one of them would be good communication skills. Clear, open, and honest communication is important to build good relationships (and to enjoy optimal health). To feel understood and to understand others creates healthy bonds between people. Conversely, lack of communication, or poor communication, fails to build this bond, and, even worse, can create mistrust, discomfort, or simply a sense of disconnect (all proven to lower the immune response as well).

What is Communication?

We communicate in different ways:

• The way we speak – tone of voice (non-verbal) or clarity
• Words
• Gestures (non-verbal)
• Body language (non-verbal)
• Facial expressions (non-verbal)

Surprisingly, non-verbal communication accounts for 90% of the impact of our communication. It is more powerful even than our words. Begin to notice your non-verbal style of communicating and remember how powerful it is.

What Are Some of the Causes of Poor Communication?

The manner in which you communicate is determined in part by maturity levels and self-esteem – both are important components of healthy communication. For example, emotionally immature people have trouble listening, handling hostility constructively, and showing empathy. People with low self-esteem are often defensive and overreact easily. An added benefit of learning good communication skills is that it can actually help you become more emotionally mature, as well as increase your self-esteem and confidence. As a result, your relationships will improve and you will feel better overall–body, mind and spirit.

Lastly, to develop a positive relationship using effective communication, it is important to establish trust. The person with whom you are communicating needs to feel at ease, and needs to be given the opportunity to respond with comfort and confidence. It is important to listen carefully, and use positive body language (nodding or facing someone rather than angling your body), as well as using the appropriate facial expressions (smiling or showing concern), and maintaining eye contact where appropriate (respecting possible cultural differences).

3 Healthy Communication Exercises

1. Describe a problem or dispute you are currently having with someone and practice using this formula for assertive communication (you can plan what you are going to say before you approach the person):

I feel ______________________ (Your emotion – sad, angry, scared, etc.)

When you __________________ (The other person’s behavior – ignore me, talk over me, etc.)

Because ___________________ (Your perception of the behavior – It seems like you don’t want to spend time with me).

2. Then, write down how you will ask for the changes you would like the person to make.

For example: “I love you. Can you please spend more time with me?”

Remember, this will become more natural with practice, so don’t worry if it feels stilted or uncomfortable in the beginning.

3. Try to separate the person from the behavior

For example, if you say, “You’re so infuriating!”, the person you are angry with will most likely feel defensive and/or insulted because this makes it personal. When you separate the behavior from the person who is doing the behavior, you:

• Reduce the chances that the other person will feel attacked, blamed or criticized.
• Let them know that you love/like/respect them, but that their behavior (not them) is causing you problems.
• Express your feelings in an honest attempt to be understood, and give the other person a chance to understand how their behavior affects you.
• Let them know what their behavior seems like to you, while also confirming that your feelings are not necessarily the truth, only your perceptions of their behaviors.

Using this method of communication prevents others from feeling attacked or getting defensive, allows them to understand how you experience them, and avoids causing others to feel bad or wrong.

3 More Tips for Better Communication

• For open, honest and appropriate communication, unfold your arms and legs, face the other person squarely and look them in the eyes frequently. Listen carefully to what they are saying. Seek to understand.
• Validate: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine his or her emotional state. Let them know that you understand how they feel, and why, even if you don’t agree.
• Practice complimenting, praising, and admiring others’ positive traits. Let them know what you find attractive about them.

Mental Makeover

Today I remain calm when speaking to others. I communicate clearly and lovingly. I listen attentively and respond with love and compassion.

— Linda Mercer

Soul Solutions

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

—Henry Winkler

Wishing you a blessed, peaceful and fulfilling week where you enjoy the warmth and love of your relationships (and maybe use some of the tips above).

Love and Blessings,